A Spam a day keeps the madness at bay…

Every now and then I scan through my auto-spam folder and see what’s in there. Sometimes the subject lines are hilarious. Other times they teach you about new kinds of phishing attack that are being attempted.

Mostly, they just say depressing things about what it is to be a human in the 21st century.

All the following were yanked from spams I received in the last few weeks (I just did a subject line sort for what was left since the last mass-deletion). I have to say … the depressing, “makes you want to kill yourself if this is the kind of email you receive and respond to” ones have mostly disappeared, which is good. But the ones about MEGADICK that used to make me LOL have sadly faded away :(.

Lost in translation? (aka “WTF?”)

Be a bedroom business master!
Make your hose’s radius great
Fertilize your male tree
From now you don’t need a crane to lift your instrument up!
Come now, pay less!

Sounds painful…

Your manhood will come back to you like a boomerang
Load into her like a geyser!
With a bigger tool you can break not only hearts but splits
Hammer your pile in her
Pills of lion stamina
Make her your rod’s slave
Best doping for night monster
Replace your pant snake with python!

Someone call the cops?

Your drawbolt will go deeper in
Pound her, more and more
Make your love gun active and effective!
Good shells for your love gun
Find how to drill her better

There goes my self esteem

Your instrument is so tiny she barely finds it in bed?
You have no stamina any more to satisfy your loved one
Greatness is measured by the size of your manhood
This watch will add some elegance to your taste
Losing your popularity as a man?
Get a diploma for your career!
Masters degree with no efforts
Show your girlfriend that there can still be a lot of flame in your bed
Feeling unneeded in bed?
What does a frog want with you?
With a monster device you will feel like a man
From now you will be able to satisfy every size – queen!

Telling it like it is, man

Man empties gun at car, victim survives
Why lie? I need money
Bacterial infections are stopped by Amoxicillin

“Optimism” (aka “O, RLY?”)

We cure anything from headache to cancer
Worldwide delivery instantly to your home
Go here for guaranteed boner
If you can’t beat CEOs … join them

Kindness

Free money
Wanna beer?
Sexually aroused
I can help you
We go to cinema tonight

… and threats

Fucking fill this form
I wanna worry you
Universal decision for men who want to stay men
We will not let your manhood die … call us
You are disqualified!
Get a degree
Suck it
List of conditions
Get your nice hair returned to you
Your friend in trouble
Click or cats gonna die

The men from UNCLE

Erase message after reading
We’ve found your car
Don’t settle for less than 15x power!
Respond, please
Medications that you need

Bad day

We canceled the exam
We canceled the conferences
Forgot keys, forgot phone

Story time

What’s this?
Shocking! Rihanna was cursed
A giant outside
Sitting by the well playing

To Much Information

That shit made my day
Celebrate independence day with a hard boner

Web 0.1: PEOGA. EU Games Companies Still Dont Get It

European Online Game Operators infamous for being overly secretive announce new association:

“The founding members have set three major goals for PEOGA:

* Networking. PEOGA is the meeting point for European companies from the online game publishing industry.
* Improvement of the Public opinion. PEOGA shall improve the image of online games by providing realistic information to the public.
* Self Regulation of the Online Game Industry. The online game industry has responsibilities towards their users. PEOGA will assist to set general rules and regulations for the industry.”

…launch website…

http://www.peoga.eu/

…and add an idiotic javascript hack that tries to disable the right-mouse-button + context menu in your web browser…

The page at http://www.peoga.eu/ says:

Copyright – Pan-European-Online Games Association PEOGA

So, let’s get this straight:

  1. None of the developers of the top 10 online games in Europe are in your org
  2. None of the publishers of the top 10 online games in Europe are in your org
  3. You have a President. But in case he gets lost on the way to meetings, fortunately you have someone else who is the “also President”. Nice.
  4. You can’t even make a website

Guys, I have to say: this isn’t looking great so far. Let’s hope this was just an unlucky start (BTW: you might want to get GOA on board – they know all about rocky starts, they’re probably the most experienced company in the *world* when it comes to bungling a launch).

PS: OMG I HAXX0RED UR SEKURITY – look, I “stole” the URL to your image – HHAHAHHAA111!!!!11!11
(please. It’s not 1996 any more. Get rid of the childish javascript hacks. It’s … embarassing. For all of us)

Jeans. In Europe, everyone wears jeans. From the same company, too.
Jeans. In Europe, everyone wears jeans. From the same supplier.

Dear [Recruitment Agent / Hiring Manager / HR staffer]

I mean this in the nicest possible way:

I suggest you save us both some time: have a look at my LinkedIn profile, and see what I’ve done – http://www.linkedin.com/in/adammartin – it’s shorter and clearer than a CV/Resume, too.

If you find that you have something that would interest me, personally, then feel free to email me and explain why.

If not, I suggest you don’t contact me again.

I’m sorry, but if you don’t have a specific position, with salary range, or you cannot send info in advance, or can’t answer some question I’ve already emailed you … then I’m not interested in talking further. I don’t want to speak to you on the phone. I don’t want to meet you. I don’t want to email you info about my previous work history. This may seem extreme to you, but I’m guessing you have no idea how many blind job offers I receive every single week? Enough that I don’t have time to reply to every single one of them with the same info over and over again, I’m sorry.

(Note to readers: Sorry if this turns up in your RSS; I’m now actively forwarding this link to recruitment agencies, as I’ve received several enquiries in the past week where they didn’t visit my blog, and I had to copy/paste sections from my rather less forgiving / tongue-in-cheek Open Letter to Recruitment Agencies)

(Note to recruiters: Feel free to follow the above link. Try not to take too much offense if you do, and please try to recognize that many of your fellow recruiters are an awesome waste of time for those of us who actually work in the industry)

Tabula Rasa: A Plot Summary

Ironically enough, from the LotRO forums:

“You know the only analogue I can come up for this is to imagine a WWII FPS where the opening cinematic tells you that the Nazis have destroyed Great Britain with a giant laser and you’re one of the few English to escape via a magic portal to Russia at Stone Henge which was planted by ancient mystics from China. However the rest of the game takes place in relatively normal WWII FPS style while the Nazis throw paltry attacks into the steppes, and yet most of the people you meet are also British and no one seems to care that Jolly Ol’ England is smouldering black glass. Occasionally you stumble across more ancient Stone Henges to learn Mandarin to gain super powers. The Nazi country-destorying laser is never brought up.”

ROFLMAO. And … excellent plot-summary there.

(remembering that I did actually *like* TR. But the OP has a point)

Open Letter to Recruitment Agencies (video games industry)

Hi!

My name is “Adam” (first name) “Martin” (surname); you might need to check the spelling. You might want to check which is the first name, which the surname – funny how many recruiters get it wrong!

You’ve probably cold-emailed me because you got my email address somewhere – maybe as much as 10 years ago – and yet, bizarrely, I haven’t been coming to you looking for jobs. You’re probably really hoping I’ll write back with a CV/Resume that you can send out.

Instead, I suggest you save us both some time: have a look at my LinkedIn profile, and see what I’ve done – http://www.linkedin.com/in/adammartin – it’s shorter and clearer than a CV/Resume, too.

Hey, if you’ve got a few minutes, why not have a look right now? Take your time – I’ll wait! You can learn a bit about me, find out what I might be interested in (hint: it’s there, in several paragraphs of text, right at the top of the page).

Now, maybe you think you’ve got a perfect job for me. But hold on, my friend! Don’t hit that “Send” button yet! There’s some things you should know before you email me a second time…

You see, each time you email me, blind, cold-calling, un-solicited … it’s not just you. All your competitors are doing it. Even some of your colleagues (it’s funny how many agencies accidentally compete with themselves). And a whole bunch of your clients, the companies you recruit for, are doing it too. And each one of those emails takes me time to read.

My time is precious, I’ve got a lot to give, and I usually go well beyond what’s asked; if it weren’t, there’d be fewer companies that wanted to hire me, and willing to pay the salaries I’ve been paid. And hence willing to give YOU that big, fat, commission you’re hoping for…

“What’s there to lose?”, you may be thinking to yourself, “if you don’t like it, we’re cool, I’m friendly, we’ve got a bit of a relationship going here – I emailed you, you emailed me, it could be the start of a great partnership, propelling your future career gradually up the corporate ladder!”

Well, here’s the thing: I’m a technology guy. I have a degree in Computer Science from one of the world’s top Universities. I’ve been trained and employed as a SysAdmin. I’ve been an entrepreneur, and built my company’s computers myself, to save money. Although I don’t program for money any more, I’m still fluent in many programming languages. And, you know what, I’m a bit of an expert at all that “mailserver stuff”.

So … if you piss me off; if you waste my time with meaningless, unsolicited drivel; if you nag me with “this is an amazing opportunity you will love” when we both know it isn’t vaguely true … I’m going to nuke your ass (figuratively speaking): I will never see an email from you again, they’ll die before they reach me.

And when I say “you”, I don’t just mean “you, at the company you currently work for”. Nope. You really piss me off, and I won’t be seeing an email from you no matter which agency you move on to. I hope you grok the seriousness of that? (this may suprise you, but those of us in the industry DO actually notice when you guys change roles, change agencies, etc)

I simply do not have time for time-wasting muppets who are too damn lazy to bother even doing a simple LinkedIn/Google/Gamasutra/etc search on their “targets” to find out who and what these people are.

Oh, and by the way – I’ve done recruitment, many times, myself. I’ve had to get creative with reaching people, trying to tempt them out of their jobs and into working for my own employers. So I know how hard the hard stuff can be. But I also know how little – how VERY little – time it takes to do the easy stuff. And when you DON’T do even that, it tells me a lot about you. It tells me a lot about the crap you’re sending to your clients. It tells me a lot about how (un)impressed they’re going to be with the drivel you send them. Above all, it tells me that if I *do*, somehow, find the role interesting, then it’s worth my time using my own contacts to get a direct invitation from the company, and bilking you out of your commission.

Actually, I could bilk you anyway, whoever it is. The industry is *that* incestuous that everyone above Junior level “knows someone” (who knows someone, who knows someone else … until you hit the Hiring Manager). So, your whole business is based on the assumption that you make it so much easier for me to work with you that I don’t bother to test my extended network. You’re living on borrowed time from the moment your email hits my inbox. Humour me.

But on the other hand, if you take a genuine interest, and make the effort to find stuff that would actually interest me, you could save me a lot of time and hassle. And then I’d love to work with you on finding and evaluating roles. And (modulo all the above) I’m a pretty forgiving guy, if you give me just a little bit of mutual respect. So you CAN send me random crap that you think might tickle my interest, and I won’t hate you for screwing up. You can even get it wrong every time – so long as it’s clear you are, in fact, *trying*.

So, you know … take the time. It’s for your own good. Really.

HAVE A NICE DAY!

How much ISK is that?

…was my first thought on hearing that the Iceland economy was running out of money:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20081009/ap_on_bi_ge/eu_iceland_meltdown

If you conveniently ignore that the figures are about 100 times too big, it’s a nice thought to imagine CCP might step in to bail out the banks, or at least offer to prop them up using ISK. It’s legal tender over much of the known universe, after all.

And it would give the world’s press something to REALLY say about “virtual worlds, virtual countries, and vritual economies” :).